Thinking outloud in the fog

Today is a difficult day. There is no one reason. The weather is great. The sun is shining, the air is warm with a light breeze. 

I finally got my compost bin assembled. It was frustrating. There were no actual instructions. There were five pictures on the side of the box that gave an idea of what to do. 


I cleaned up the back porch a little. I put down the recycled rubber stepping stones near the bird feeder. The grill is out  of propane so I packed it up for the winter. 

It was when I sat on the back porch the weirdness seeped in. The warm sun passed midday and flooded the chair. Little birds busied themselves at the feeder, ignoring me as I watched. 

In the distance I could hear the squeals  and laughter of elementary kids getting in one last day of outdoor recess. I miss that sound. It brings back memories of life when my sons were small. 

Thinking of all the preps needed before Thanksgiving next week melancholy  over comes me. This is the fourth year without Bryan, and the first without my mother. 

So I sit. 

A text message jerks my mind back to the present and I go inside. And as if a gift from my Boxer Jack,  I find Attack Cat snuggled up on the dog pillow napping. 

Shaking my head the smile on ny face announces my complete weakness where kittens are concerned. “I’ll put him out later,” I think. 

Mom, Tell Bryan I Love Him 

It was sudden in the sense she was home, had been talking to us pretty well, and didn’t seem in any worse condition that the day before. I can look behind me and see her kidneys and bowels had been shutting down. 
She was just at the doctor Wednesday and he didn’t seem concerned. He increased her lasix and ordered a bowel softener. I spoke with him after hours Thursday and he didn’t seem worried. But we also discussed how delicate of a dance it is to treat the heart without damaging the kidneys. 

She couldn’t get to the bathtub so I gave her a sponge bath around 5. She got her evening medicines then seemed a little groggy, but they did that to her. She kept throwing her leg off the bed, sat up a couple times but didn’t want to go to the recliner. Her legs were ice cold, but I blamed that on the fluid she was holding. I kept going in to lift her leg back onto the bed. 

I could see her from my seat at the dining room table and around 9 I could tell she wasn’t right. We called 911, got her to the floor, and I started CPR. The medics got there around seven minutes and worked with her another 20 minutes or so. Nothing worked and there were never any signs of her coming back.

We knew things were bad, but not that they were near the end. She would get a little better but we knew she wouldn’t get well. 

We spent the past days getting things arranged, finding out if there was enough insurance for the service (there is), and ordering flowers. I hope to spend today catching up my housework, getting clothes ready, and only going out to vote and meet with the pastor at Dad’s at 11.

I believe Scripture tells is there is no communication between the living and the saints in heaven. I also believe we do not take memories of this earth to heaven with us. If it were possible, I would only ask Mom to tell Bryan I love him. 

If you don’t make it out I totally understand. I just wanted to let you know. You don’t use Facebook and we aren’t in any forums that you would have seen it. You know me well enough to know I won’t be mad if you can’t make it.
Talk soon,

All the signs of dementia. 

It has all the signs of a dementia. Dementia explains many of the things we witnessed over the past couple years. 
What we thought was addiction behavior was probably dementia. It wasn’t that she wanted to take too much medication, it is likely she didn’t remember taking it. 

Once we got a handle on her meds we started seeing the underlying confusion. She got angry, refusing to speak with me because I dispensed her pain meds. She cursed my sister for not getting her french fries. She told my dad to ___ himself because he checks her blood sugar religiously. 

It has snowballed since her long hospital stay in September. Her heart disease and diabetes complicates her treatments. It hurts us because we aren’t sure what to do to help her. 

I had a lengthy conversation with her doc last evening. I told him this is just like having your first child. You are never sure if you need to go to the ER or not. 

She can’t be left alone. The sister and I are trying to work out our schedules so one of us is there most of the time. Dad is there also. But he is beside himself watching his wife decline as she is. 

I know some of my friends have gone through this already. I saw how hard it was for a few as you posted about it. I have been mostly quiet because she has a FB account and would read posts. I doubt she can now at all. 

Homecooked Ketchup Memories

Spending time with the kids is fun and exhausting! Add a kettle of steaming tomatoes and it gets tricky!

With the remodel and move, I did not plant the sized garden I did last year. The little I did plant isn’t growing well at all. So, I picked up a half bushel of canning tomatoes at the farm stand.

After church I asked Tori if she wnted to help me make ketchup. I cut the stem and any bad places out of the tomatoes. Tori cut them up in quarters.


Thirty minutes of simmering then into the Squeezo. From there it was back to the stock pot. It was a great day of fun. We didn’t like that particular recipe, but the kids got some good hands-on experience, and memories.